dear diary
if one more person tells me they are uncertain about me, i'm logging out of the dating game for good. i am down to one more flickering heart of a life left- i've lost the other four in maybe the span of a year. i swear.
i think that there's more to life than having a person to live life with. i know i'm only nineteen but i am secure by myself. i've always known what i've wanted and i've always gone for it with everything i have in me. maybe i hold the people i surround myself with to a high standard. after all, if you are a person that lives with conviction no matter the circumstance, wouldn't you want the people around you to do the same? why live with passion if your loved ones won't do the same?
maybe this is a high expectation. again, i'm nineteen. i have a long (hopefully?) life to live with experiences to gain and people to meet. but i can't help but be absolutely disappointed and furious that there is such pressure in today's society for teenagers to not only find a lover and be in a relationship at a young age, but that i fall into this unfortunate demographic. especially when the individuals i have chosen happen to give 'i don't know's' in their responses and wavering in their certainty.
even more so when that individual is a gemini man who drives a black volkswagen.
not to be hateful, of course. it's just that i've had my share of uncertain boys and i want no more of this. not only is it absolutely degrading, but also i am just so extremely tired of having to question intentions that i shouldn't have to guess. you say you love me, so where is it? please point me in the direction of this love because i am having a hard time seeing it and feeling it.
recently, my brother and i have been getting closer. ironic right, in the last few weeks of my stay at home before going back to montreal, i finally bond with the brother. great timing. but it has been enlightening in many aspects. he has given me a new perspective on the pressure of hard it is to find someone who truly cares about you in a generation where authenticity is lacking. he asked why, even though i have been in two relationships with people who genuinely love me, am i still questioning that love?
just tonight we read through the letters given to us during our first relationships. rereading mine gave me a very visceral and devastating sensation of impending doom even though i know how the story ends and i know it well. why did i waste so much time loving a boy that wasn't reciprocating that love and instead showed me resentment wrapped in affection? why did i not leave? why did i keep accepting uncertainty and unintentional words?
i am dedicated to living my life with conviction and passion and i expect the people around me to do the same. if not, it's time to go. after all, i have one more flickering heart of a life left and i will not use it loving someone who will not love me back loudly and fully and surely.
love without intention is just words said through lips that lie. why wait for a lover that doesn't show you the love you want?
xoxo,
dani
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