the art of staying and the act of leaving

 dear diary, 

    i've been thinking a lot about the art of staying in a relationship even when you have that gnawing feeling deep in your gut that something isn't right. 

    let me preface this by saying: i am with someone i truly love. but there are those times when night falls just before my antidepressants really hit that the "relationship paranoia" as my therapist used to call it set in. hard. 

    back when i was seventeen, all those many moons ago (literally just a year and a half ago), i thought that the greatest act of love was staying and choosing the person you are with every day- waking up and choosing to be with them over and over again. i thought that was what true, unconditional love meant. as i have grown older and gained new perspectives through the absolutely horrifying year that was my first year of university, i have come to realize this: there is no such thing as unconditional love. at least not to me. 

    let me explain: i am the person that loves myself the most in this world. and i think that it's good to be in love with yourself. this is not narcissism nor self-obsession talking, but simply the wisdom coming from a girl that wishes she knew this six months ago: you are the person that is always going to be there. not anybody else. and yes, there are going to be people that you love endlessly- i love my family and friends the way the ocean loves the shore because i know they will always be there when i return to them. but should a loved one hurt you, should you have the right to rescind that love? i think yes. 

    before you begin thinking i am cold-hearted, i want to tell a brief story. a young girl moved to a big city all on her own, without knowing anybody and without having even visited the city beforehand. she struggled deeply with homesickness and mental health and the slow death of her first love relationship. it went on for months, small cuts that slowly amounted to a painful end that pulled her in every which direction. she made bad decisions that came at the sacrifice of herself, all for another person that did not even want to be in her life. 

    that girl is still me. i carry every version of myself that i once was very gently- she is very dear to me. but i have grown to realize with time that conditional love does not mean a lesser form of love. if i love someone and they make me question either my self-worth, my value, or myself, i will stop putting in love, plain and simple. should someone's lack of empathy or expression of love feels degrading, you have the right to protect your heart. it means having boundaries and realizing that your own peace and sanctitude presides external love. 

    there is a certain tragedy to staying in a relationship that does not serve you anymore. and there is an even greater art form to leaving when you realize this. conditional love does not mean you love the person any less. it just means you will not expend love that comes at the sacrifice of yourself. 

    loving yourself does not mean you love others less. leaving is not selfish when loving comes at the expense of yourself. every morning when the sun rises yet again, choose yourself. 

xoxo, 

dani